Craigslist ad - To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah Night Before Last
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually shit in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. ... My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me the Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you realize that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you came from with shit in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. This of course prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.
After I called your mother (listed as "Momma" in your cell), I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. That really made his day! I then threw your wallet into a big pink pimpmobile that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls, with your phone, to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat.
Perhaps I should apologize for not shooting you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your attempted crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a great day!